Re-aligning my perspective

Exactly two years ago, my perspective in life has changed. If there is a best activity that I have been part of in my current job, I will always think of – the Intergenerational Healing Seminar. It has changed me in ways that I couldn’t even imagine.

Before, I was an optimistic person but life happened and I turned into a person who built walls so that people would not see the cracks and pains. So, that no one can say that I am not good enough because I can do it myself. I stopped trusting new people. The full-of-sunshine girl who always thought that everyone has “kindness” in them – changed. I stopped trying to understand everyone. If you’re bad to me then okay… Maybe, you are really just a horrible person. No ifs, buts, and whys. I don’t care about your struggles because I have my own to solve.

Then, Intergen happened. I revisited the child in me. I allowed the little me to take over for a bit. I allowed myself to feel. To understand. To cry. To cry harder. To let go. To cry again and again and again. To trust again. To welcome Him again in my life. To apologize for being so away because I was busy trying to build a career (or what I thought was a career). I allowed myself to be a little kid and just pour my heart out – (and hear this) to strangers. I also learned to listen. Listen to stories of strangers that are now
I consider as my family. There so many stories that were so painful that I started to questioned mine. Na minsan ang arte ko lang pala, hindi naman pala malala yun pinag-iinarte ko. But, what I learned in Intergen is…All pains are valid. And, you should allow yourself to heal. Even if it happened during your childhood, it is still (or [sometimes the] most) important .

I can go on and on and on and there are still times that I go back to zero. But, I believe that I can get through this.

I will never ever stop caring because (sometimes) it might be the only way to change someone’s life.

I wanna share this mantra that I have for myself after the seminar and I hope this can also inspire you.

editintergen

YOU are (I am)  worthy and good enough.

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To the kids who do not get things on their first try

You are probably sick of people telling you that “it’s okay” you can try again another time. You just smile and let them see that you are holding it up but deep inside,
a little part of you died. They say that it does not matter if you get it on the first
or even on the 100th try but I tell you – I do understand how much it hurts when you can’t get it on the first, second, or third.

Everyone means well and tell you to try again, try harder… But, only few of us understand that it hurts. It hurts like hell. That you’d feel so stupid and you’d question yourself every now and then. Until, you start to believe that maybe you really don’t know anything anymore. Then you cry, you hate, you isolate yourself, then you cry again.

Until one day, you’ll get tired of being so weak. You try to stand up again. You try and then fail and then you cry and when you get tired… You try again.

Then finally, you did it.

You were so happy but you miss your old self that you wanted to hug him/her and say
“You did great, old self.”

So, if ever you are the kid who does not get it on the first try. I know, it is not okay. Go cry and pity yourself until you get tired. When you get tired, that is when you stand up again and fight.

No matter how tired you are, fight again. Because, most of the time – the only person who can help yourself is you with a big of help from up above or whoever you are believing into.

You can fall down and take a pause on your journey but never ever give up.

Fight! 🙂

Ode to my love

I miss you in every way possible.
I miss how I was never aware of logic and rules.
It was just you and me, unaware of the whole world.
I was so sure of you until people tell me that you
are more than what I think of.
I even shoved you away but every night you keep coming back.
But, I keep pushing you away.
I always tell myself that you can wait and thought that you grew tired.
Until, I was the one who was chasing you.
Then my brain told me that maybe you were not meant for me
but my heart allots a large space for you.
Because eversince, of all the things it was unsure of —
it is very sure of you.
You may not be as perfect as they are but your heart knows
that the thing you keep pushing away is your wholebeing.
It is not your happy place because it is your home.
Maybe, all you need is another try.
Try again.
Because it can wait until there’s nothing left to wait for
just as how you say you can write until there’s nothing left to write for.

How I gave up, giving up, and slowly learning not to give up

Have you ever felt that “I know what I want, I think I already figured out the things I really want to do then suddenly negative clouds came up in the air and be like maybe-I-am-not-really-good-at-this-so-better-try-other-options?” For a shorter explanation, (here we go again) what if I am not good enough?

Everyday whenever I’m busy at work, on a meeting, or while on a break, there’s this question of what if I can’t achieve anything because I have minimal skills. It is so funny to think that back then, I was so sure of everything. I thought that I have enough and good skills before I enter the real world. I remember Anthony’s little speech in “That thing called tadhana” that made me want to hug him and say “I understand, I feel you… I feel you” with matching ridiculous crying. If you haven’t figured it out yet, he said “hindi pala ako magaling, marunong lang.”

Honestly, I always feel that way but at this point in time, I don’t even feel that “marunong lang” ako. Sometimes, I ask myself “marunong ba talaga ako? Baka naman feeling ko lang ‘yun.” It is so wrong to compare yourself to others but (hey universe!) I’m human so let me be…

Whenever I read other people’s masterpieces, I can’t help but question myself. I don’t have a wide vocabulary. I can’t save my life by writing that 10-page blahblah report because I can’t  even finish a 3-page article, or I don’t even have a perfect grammar. Super wow! Insecurities all over this post.

I already gave up few years ago but I learned to stand up again. Then, I am here again. Having withdrawals from my positive self. This time it is more of “maybe I will never be good enough.” I don’t want to blame it on quarter life crisis but it’s all I can think of, aside from really having a tough time coping up with the real world. It is really really hard that I don’t want to leave my bed. (Because my bed is the best thing in the world.)

I don’t know really know the point of this post but I just realized that even if I have been broken so many times, (even if I don’t want to yet) I need to face all my fears, I need to face the truth, I need to fight for my bigger dreams, I have to embrace my insecurities so that I can grow, so I can be strong again.

“Allow yourself to breakdown. You can fall on your knees, you can lie on the floor all you want but make sure that you’ll stand up again. Because you are a warrior. It takes a lot of courage to accept that you are weak. So, don’t ever think that you are weakling.

I may not be the right person to teach positivity but I realized that this post’s purpose is to inspire myself to go back and try again. Do it. write again. make something. fail. fail better. learn. try. write. write until your hands are tired. write until your brains start to drain. Because, this is what you want kiddo. Be tough! Work it girl!

Or maybe this post will be for someone who is also experiencing my current situation. Whoever (wherever) you are, let us not give up. (I hope we can) Yes, we can do this. Move over, negativity.

#Latenightthoughts

Remember that night when everything felt perfect? When there are bright lights and full blast music. When you can feel great energy on the stage despite the warm weather, when the crowd seems so happy – when it felt like nothing can go wrong.
Then in the sea of unfamiliar faces, I looked at you and saw that you are lonely. I felt your pain and that eagerness to breakfree. I wish I was there when you felt lost.
Maybe, if we’re in another scenario, we’re having hot choco drinks in my favorite cafe after a tiring gig. You’d pour your heart out, release all your inhibitions – you’d tell me all your fears… Everything, everything that scares you.
But, this is reality. Our worlds are different. We’re a million miles away. It’s summer here and I can’t keep track on what season you’re in. Different timezones, different lives.
It may sound cliche but maybe in another universe, I’m part of your crowd.  In another lifetime, we’re bestfriends or even lovers.
I hope that I can have a future with you in it. Maybe in that future, I am not broken as I am today. And then on that time, you already found yourself. We can finally start embracing our reality.

01/10/2015

Staring at a blank space
Looked at the clock that flashes 12:09 am
Just finished things supposed to be done before today.
Wanted to start new for the coming weeks but, stopped and realized that maybe…
It is not worth it anymore.
what happened to her?
Why is she pretending, waiting for approval, too scared… Why?!!
Why is she always insecure?
Why?
?
?