Re-aligning my perspective

Exactly two years ago, my perspective in life has changed. If there is a best activity that I have been part of in my current job, I will always think of – the Intergenerational Healing Seminar. It has changed me in ways that I couldn’t even imagine.

Before, I was an optimistic person but life happened and I turned into a person who built walls so that people would not see the cracks and pains. So, that no one can say that I am not good enough because I can do it myself. I stopped trusting new people. The full-of-sunshine girl who always thought that everyone has “kindness” in them – changed. I stopped trying to understand everyone. If you’re bad to me then okay… Maybe, you are really just a horrible person. No ifs, buts, and whys. I don’t care about your struggles because I have my own to solve.

Then, Intergen happened. I revisited the child in me. I allowed the little me to take over for a bit. I allowed myself to feel. To understand. To cry. To cry harder. To let go. To cry again and again and again. To trust again. To welcome Him again in my life. To apologize for being so away because I was busy trying to build a career (or what I thought was a career). I allowed myself to be a little kid and just pour my heart out – (and hear this) to strangers. I also learned to listen. Listen to stories of strangers that are now
I consider as my family. There so many stories that were so painful that I started to questioned mine. Na minsan ang arte ko lang pala, hindi naman pala malala yun pinag-iinarte ko. But, what I learned in Intergen is…All pains are valid. And, you should allow yourself to heal. Even if it happened during your childhood, it is still (or [sometimes the] most) important .

I can go on and on and on and there are still times that I go back to zero. But, I believe that I can get through this.

I will never ever stop caring because (sometimes) it might be the only way to change someone’s life.

I wanna share this mantra that I have for myself after the seminar and I hope this can also inspire you.

editintergen

YOU are (I am)  worthy and good enough.

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50 questions

I found this while I’m browsing random links on Facebook. I’ve been following berlin-art parasites, The Artidote, and betsin-artparasites so I’m really not sure where exactly did I get this. I just miss doing something like this so here I am answering random 50 questions. I just feel the need to do this because these coming weeks will be the busiest work week i’ll have. Good luck to me.

1: What would you name your future daughter?

January with the nickname “Jan.” But it is weird to name her January if she will not be born on that month. Other option will be Cassidy nickname “Sid”.

2: Do you miss anyone?

Yes. Maybe even someone i don’t exactly know.

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?

On a bad day, i’ll say “I don’t believe you.” but on my current mood, I’ll say thanks.

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

Nope.

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

Traveling for work.

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?

Stay in. Duh!

7: How late did you stay up last night?

kind of late that I’m so sleepy this morning.

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

Nope.

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

Multi-tasking. Packing my clothes for this week’s events, checking Facebook and Twitter, and checking if the rice is already cooked for lunch.

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

Nope.

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

Yes.

12: Have you pretended to like someone?

Yes.

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

Yes. I don’t smoke so definitely, yes.

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Many. 🙂

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

I think so.

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

I’m single forever. haha! And I don’t have a problem with that (yet. lol).

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

Yes!

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?

Yes, with my friend.

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

Nope.

20: Who did you last see in person?

My family. To say good night.

21: What is the last thing you said out lot?

F*ck. :))

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

Nope.

23: Have you ever been to Paris?

Nobut looking forward to live there even for just a few months. #dreamitgirl

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Yes. but lately, no.

25: Do you use chap stick?

before.

26: Who did you last share a bed with?

No one.

27: Are you listening to music right now?

Surprisingly, no.

28: What is something you currently want right now?

vacation and money.

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

I don’t have any kisses. haha

30: How is your heart lately?

Sad, tired, but trying to be strong.

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?

yes

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

I can’t even remember unless you count my brother.

33: What do people call you?

Kit. Mamu. Kittiful. Kitty.

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

yes.

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

many.

36: What are you listening to right now?

Sound of my brother’s aircon. i just turned off mine.

37: What is wrong with you right now?

Everything.

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

Yeah.

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

Not anymore.

40: What is on your wrists right now?

Nothing.

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?

single

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?

thrift shop! 🙂

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

i haven’t even kissed someone. haha

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

yes? i don’t remember.

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

nope.

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?

trying to sleep

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

no.

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

ALONE! 🙂

49: Have you ever been to New York?

Nope. but I want to be there right now. Can you take me there? 🙂

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

Yeah. because they’re my family. 🙂

How I gave up, giving up, and slowly learning not to give up

Have you ever felt that “I know what I want, I think I already figured out the things I really want to do then suddenly negative clouds came up in the air and be like maybe-I-am-not-really-good-at-this-so-better-try-other-options?” For a shorter explanation, (here we go again) what if I am not good enough?

Everyday whenever I’m busy at work, on a meeting, or while on a break, there’s this question of what if I can’t achieve anything because I have minimal skills. It is so funny to think that back then, I was so sure of everything. I thought that I have enough and good skills before I enter the real world. I remember Anthony’s little speech in “That thing called tadhana” that made me want to hug him and say “I understand, I feel you… I feel you” with matching ridiculous crying. If you haven’t figured it out yet, he said “hindi pala ako magaling, marunong lang.”

Honestly, I always feel that way but at this point in time, I don’t even feel that “marunong lang” ako. Sometimes, I ask myself “marunong ba talaga ako? Baka naman feeling ko lang ‘yun.” It is so wrong to compare yourself to others but (hey universe!) I’m human so let me be…

Whenever I read other people’s masterpieces, I can’t help but question myself. I don’t have a wide vocabulary. I can’t save my life by writing that 10-page blahblah report because I can’t  even finish a 3-page article, or I don’t even have a perfect grammar. Super wow! Insecurities all over this post.

I already gave up few years ago but I learned to stand up again. Then, I am here again. Having withdrawals from my positive self. This time it is more of “maybe I will never be good enough.” I don’t want to blame it on quarter life crisis but it’s all I can think of, aside from really having a tough time coping up with the real world. It is really really hard that I don’t want to leave my bed. (Because my bed is the best thing in the world.)

I don’t know really know the point of this post but I just realized that even if I have been broken so many times, (even if I don’t want to yet) I need to face all my fears, I need to face the truth, I need to fight for my bigger dreams, I have to embrace my insecurities so that I can grow, so I can be strong again.

“Allow yourself to breakdown. You can fall on your knees, you can lie on the floor all you want but make sure that you’ll stand up again. Because you are a warrior. It takes a lot of courage to accept that you are weak. So, don’t ever think that you are weakling.

I may not be the right person to teach positivity but I realized that this post’s purpose is to inspire myself to go back and try again. Do it. write again. make something. fail. fail better. learn. try. write. write until your hands are tired. write until your brains start to drain. Because, this is what you want kiddo. Be tough! Work it girl!

Or maybe this post will be for someone who is also experiencing my current situation. Whoever (wherever) you are, let us not give up. (I hope we can) Yes, we can do this. Move over, negativity.

2/3/2015

Full moon

Hey moon, do you see him from up there?
Is he happy?
Is he sad?
Is he also looking at you while thinking of me? Does he ask himself, “is someone out there?”

Will he have the patience to wait for our right timing — if there’s even such a thing.
Will he pursue music or something about science?
Where will we meet?
Is he even real?
Why do I ask many random things?

Hey moon, why do I think of stupid  things whenever I see you shine up there?

Help me moon to stop my crazy brain.
And please? Watch him for me.

Good night steadfast.

Thank you 2014

10898325_884703401572358_7332482153627151205_nThank you 2014 for letting me experience new adventures, learn new life lessons, and teaching me to let go all the negative things in my life. I may go back to Step 1 most of the time but with the help of my loved ones, the journey becomes easier. Thank you for letting me travel with Trixie, for breaking my heart when I haven’t got the chance to hug Mitch Albom (I know I will meet him gain), for letting Ransom Riggs hug me (I died!), for giving us Summer –the light of our lives especially to her Mommy Debbie, for letting me watch Wicked the musical with Rei and Airiz –I can’t forget the fact that we got teary-eyed while watching Elphaba sang Defying Gravity, finally we’ve crossed-out something on our bucket list, for the chance to see the Chvrches perform live with my brother and experience another music high, for making my friends’ dreams come true (wherein it taught me to work harder and wait for the right timing), and also, for making some of my dreams come true, and for giving me supportive family and friends.

I can go on and on with all the highlights of my year but I think there is something more about this year that makes it special. Of all the stress and negativity that this year gave to me, it taught me forgive myself and to love myself more.

So, goodbye 2014. 2015, let’s make it happen!

I don’t know December

I know I have to post more relevant things but this just is what I can offer right now. I just type anything even if it is not a firsthand experience.. So, please bear with me. I’m still finding the right words but, I don’t even know what it is. I just want to write something, say something, do something… and right now, this is what I can…

I’ve been using words everyday that I feel it is all just words… without life, without heart, without feelings (and yes, this post is about to sound mushy) but, I miss using words freely. Like this…

even just the tiny little pieces of you

This song is on repeat after I’ve watched Caroline and Stefan’s scene in the latest episode of The vampire Diaries. I’ve also watched that Steroline scene for the 10th time this day. Finally, Steroline is on to something even if it feels like it is just one way. As much as I love Stefan, I’m on Caroline’s side this time. When she feels something, she says it all out. She doesn’t pretend that it’s not there. Even if she knows that she’ll get hurt in the end, she just expresses it because it’s what she feels.

So I have this little scene in my mind after she walked out on Stefan…. *Caroline walks out* Stefan chased her and asked for another chance to explain himself… Stefan: I don’t want to lose you Caroline. It’s not that I don’t have a thing for you. I just want to make sure that what I feel is real because after everything that I’ve been through, I never thought of opening myself again to someone. Yes, my emotions are all over the place and it hurts me that I’ve hurt you. At that time, I just don’t want to feel the pain anymore. Because everytime I look at you, I am afraid that I might lose something special again. And I swear I’m going to hate myself for that. This time, I want to be very sure. I don’t want to use all my time, my energy… my emotions just to be wasted because I am not the right person. I don’t want to have another morning when you’ll leave me because you don’t feel a thing anymore…  That we grew apart, that I am not your meant-to-be. When I look at you.. I’m scared.. Scared that when we get past through being bestfriends.. you have the power to destroy my whole being. To destroy everything, destroy me… Because what I have right now is filtered emotions but when I look into your eyes I am this close to ruin that bullshits because my heart says you could be my everything.

Okay let’s stop at that…