How I gave up, giving up, and slowly learning not to give up

Have you ever felt that “I know what I want, I think I already figured out the things I really want to do then suddenly negative clouds came up in the air and be like maybe-I-am-not-really-good-at-this-so-better-try-other-options?” For a shorter explanation, (here we go again) what if I am not good enough?

Everyday whenever I’m busy at work, on a meeting, or while on a break, there’s this question of what if I can’t achieve anything because I have minimal skills. It is so funny to think that back then, I was so sure of everything. I thought that I have enough and good skills before I enter the real world. I remember Anthony’s little speech in “That thing called tadhana” that made me want to hug him and say “I understand, I feel you… I feel you” with matching ridiculous crying. If you haven’t figured it out yet, he said “hindi pala ako magaling, marunong lang.”

Honestly, I always feel that way but at this point in time, I don’t even feel that “marunong lang” ako. Sometimes, I ask myself “marunong ba talaga ako? Baka naman feeling ko lang ‘yun.” It is so wrong to compare yourself to others but (hey universe!) I’m human so let me be…

Whenever I read other people’s masterpieces, I can’t help but question myself. I don’t have a wide vocabulary. I can’t save my life by writing that 10-page blahblah report because I can’t  even finish a 3-page article, or I don’t even have a perfect grammar. Super wow! Insecurities all over this post.

I already gave up few years ago but I learned to stand up again. Then, I am here again. Having withdrawals from my positive self. This time it is more of “maybe I will never be good enough.” I don’t want to blame it on quarter life crisis but it’s all I can think of, aside from really having a tough time coping up with the real world. It is really really hard that I don’t want to leave my bed. (Because my bed is the best thing in the world.)

I don’t know really know the point of this post but I just realized that even if I have been broken so many times, (even if I don’t want to yet) I need to face all my fears, I need to face the truth, I need to fight for my bigger dreams, I have to embrace my insecurities so that I can grow, so I can be strong again.

“Allow yourself to breakdown. You can fall on your knees, you can lie on the floor all you want but make sure that you’ll stand up again. Because you are a warrior. It takes a lot of courage to accept that you are weak. So, don’t ever think that you are weakling.

I may not be the right person to teach positivity but I realized that this post’s purpose is to inspire myself to go back and try again. Do it. write again. make something. fail. fail better. learn. try. write. write until your hands are tired. write until your brains start to drain. Because, this is what you want kiddo. Be tough! Work it girl!

Or maybe this post will be for someone who is also experiencing my current situation. Whoever (wherever) you are, let us not give up. (I hope we can) Yes, we can do this. Move over, negativity.

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3 thoughts on “How I gave up, giving up, and slowly learning not to give up

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