Thank you 2014

10898325_884703401572358_7332482153627151205_nThank you 2014 for letting me experience new adventures, learn new life lessons, and teaching me to let go all the negative things in my life. I may go back to Step 1 most of the time but with the help of my loved ones, the journey becomes easier. Thank you for letting me travel with Trixie, for breaking my heart when I haven’t got the chance to hug Mitch Albom (I know I will meet him gain), for letting Ransom Riggs hug me (I died!), for giving us Summer –the light of our lives especially to her Mommy Debbie, for letting me watch Wicked the musical with Rei and Airiz –I can’t forget the fact that we got teary-eyed while watching Elphaba sang Defying Gravity, finally we’ve crossed-out something on our bucket list, for the chance to see the Chvrches perform live with my brother and experience another music high, for making my friends’ dreams come true (wherein it taught me to work harder and wait for the right timing), and also, for making some of my dreams come true, and for giving me supportive family and friends.

I can go on and on with all the highlights of my year but I think there is something more about this year that makes it special. Of all the stress and negativity that this year gave to me, it taught me forgive myself and to love myself more.

So, goodbye 2014. 2015, let’s make it happen!

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Intergenerational Healing

“What is intergenerational healing?” The first time I encountered it was when I was trying to choose a HUCAP program offered for the DTI employees. I googled it and I really got curious so I signed up. But, I didn’t make it as first priority. I was really just curious about going back to the past so you can understand yourself more.

Honestly, I wanted to join the program because I thought this is a good way where I can understand the struggles of other people. I want to understand them better. If the things in the past really affects the future… So, I thought this is not about me. The moment I learned that I was part of this program, I wanted to back out because I thought I wanted the Yoga program better (I’ve always wanted to try yoga) but I also wanted to try something out of the usual… Finally, I decided to join the intergen and until now I can’t stop telling everyone about it.

A beautiful and perfect place for reflection or our famous term "hanapin ang sarili" in Rizal

A beautiful and perfect place for reflection or our famous term “hanapin ang sarili” in Rizal

It may sound cliché but, it really changed me in a very positive way. Yes, I can understand other people better now but I have understood myself more. SELF LOVE should always comes first.

Self love. Self love. Self love.

It may sound selfish but then again if you love yourself more, you can give more love to others. You will not be afraid to be alone because you are comfortable with yourself. You don’t always seek for other’s approval because you are tough enough to say “I love myself.”

The perfect reflection place after letting it all go.  I swear one of the best feelings in the world.

The perfect reflection place after letting it all go. I swear one of the best feelings in the world.

The facilitators of the program are from Reintegration For Care And Wholeness Foundation Inc. (RCWFI). The team is headed by Ms. Harriett Hormillosa. We are enrolled in the “Reparenting the child within” program. I never thought that going back to the “little you” can actually give a really different perspective in one’s life.

Ms. Harriet during one of our discussions

Ms. Harriet during one of our discussions

Because of intergen, I learned to say goodbye. Goodbye to my old self, goodbye to that little Kit who was so afraid of life. A scared girl who always thought that she is not good enough… that she will never be enough.

I have cried buckets of tears but I have never cried the hagulgol way. And, yes it happened here. I remember that on our first cry-fest activity my head hurts because I was trying to avoid pain. The facilitators told us that ganyan talaga kapag pinipigilan ang iyak, sumasakit ang ulo! I still don’t want to let go and I keep on telling myself that I AM OKAY. I am already okay so I don’t have to let go anything. 🙂 Yes, I am that stubborn! 🙂 But, slowly as hours passed I started to feel it all.

No, Intergen is not just about crying. It is recognizing that you have felt pain, you acknowledge that you were hurt and you were angry. You will tell to yourself all those things. You will feel all the pain again until you realize that you don’t want it anymore and you are ready to let it go because you want to live a new life.

Group 4 after the life-changing activity. I thank God for them :)

Group 4 after the life-changing activity. I thank God for them 🙂

I am not big on opening myself with strangers but the intergen taught me how. After the seminar, they are not strangers anymore but, new found family. People who doesn’t know everything about you but still recognizes your pain. They’ve seen a deeper part of you that you always hide from others but you know that they’ll never judge you because you’ve also seen a deeper part of them. You do not feel pity for them but respect. Because despite all the pain, depression, anger, sadness, and loneliness, they still choose to live and be strong.

The past may have hurt you but there will come a time in your life wherein you will feel that you don’t want these negativity to be included in your future, anymore. The seminar will not erase all the painful past in a snap of the fingers but it will be the start of a new you. You may have relapses while you’re doing the process but by surrounding yourself with optimistic people will make the journey easier.

My Group 4 loves

My Group 4 loves

We're all smiles now

We’re all smiles now

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The Intergen Group

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So here’s to a new and more optimistic you! 🙂

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— I know that I should have written about this the moment the seminar finished but time wouldn’t let me. So let me just make this, one of my year-end posts and a time to finally share this new blog in public.–

So there. 🙂

I don’t know December

I know I have to post more relevant things but this just is what I can offer right now. I just type anything even if it is not a firsthand experience.. So, please bear with me. I’m still finding the right words but, I don’t even know what it is. I just want to write something, say something, do something… and right now, this is what I can…

I’ve been using words everyday that I feel it is all just words… without life, without heart, without feelings (and yes, this post is about to sound mushy) but, I miss using words freely. Like this…

12/11/2014

How do you express feeling when you don’t even know how to describe it?

How can you look that person in the eyes and tell what you feel when you can’t even it tell it to yourself?

How can you say that everything’s alright when there’s a tiny little pain in your heart whenever you see him with his first?

How can you smile and act happy whenever you see her with him?

How can you believe that something can be real when there are times that you’re afraid to look into your future?

What if you’re never good enough? What if you’ll never be enough?

What if the two of you work things out but not on the right time? How much will you sacrifice?

Or will it be just another… until we meet again?

12/02/2014

Reality

There’s this tiny part of you that says you should try a little harder.
Push more effort. Give everything you’ve got. But, there are moments that life becomes too harsh and all you want to do is stop and scream “RESTART!” “Please give me a f*cking restart!” Then you realized that you screamed… ONLY IN YOUR MIND. Because you are still in reality. You are still human trying to act as an adult. After all, you are mature in everyone’s eyes. You just reveal the real you when you’re all alone as you write this unimportant post. This. This is reality.